Евгений Капустин

Скандал в Госдуме!

2009-10-19T10:07:49Z

(по сообщению ДитарТАЗ)

В Государственной Думе разгорелся грандиозный скандал, связанный с законом H 562-9 «Об авторском праве и смежных правах», который был принят депутатами в 159 чтении 30.02.1993г.

Выяснилось, что автор законопроекта «Об авторском праве и смежных правах» Семён Семёнович Правовой на самом деле не является истинным создателем данного документа.

С.С. Правовой незаконно присвоил себе авторство данного законопроекта, после чего последний был представлен на рассмотрение в Госдуму, где и был в последствии принят.

Однако, после вступления в силу закона H 562-9 «Об авторском праве и смежных правах» истинный автор законопроекта, решивший отстоять своё ранее беззащитное авторское право, не смог выиграть судебное дело против С.С. Правового.

Дело в том, что факт кражи интеллектуальной собственности имел место еще до вступления закона в силу, поэтому суд не усмотрел в действиях С.С. Правового никаких правонарушений.
©

Скандал в Кремле!

2009-10-17T07:33:56Z

(по сообщению ДитарТАЗ)

          На днях в Кремле разгорелся грандиозный скандал.
          Выяснилось, что на протяжении нескольких последних лет в Правительстве Российской Федерации существует и активно развивается сектантская организация.
          Как сообщил нам наш источник в Кремле, более пяти тысяч работников Министерства Образования являются участниками секты «Свидетели ЕГЭовы». Секта эта весьма специфическая – её адепты поклоняются Вопросу с Несколькими Вариантами Ответа. Возглавляет секту мужчина, называющий себя Андрей Александрович Фурсенко.
          Как показало предварительное расследование, секта развивается довольно бурно и имеет сложную разветвлённую иерархию. В частности, все руководящие должности в рамках секты занимают работники МинОбразования. Секта также имеет свои филиалы и представительства практически в каждом городе Российской Федерации.
          Последнее время руководство секты активно занималось набором в свои ряды новых адептов. Руководитель секты сделал ставку на подростков 15 – 17 лет, которых региональные представительства насильно подвергали процессу инициации через тестирование.
          В настоящее время отделения прокуратуры по всей стране ведут проверку законности деятельности секты «Свидетели ЕГЭовы».
          По предварительным данным проверки, прокуратура не имеет законных оснований на проверку…
©

Слово о Слове

2009-09-03T09:32:25Z

                                                                    1 сентября 2009 года вступил
                                                                    в силу приказ 195 Министерства
                                                                    образования и науки Российской
                                                                    Федерации "Об утверждении
                                                                    списка грамматик, словарей и
                                                                    справочников, содержащих нормы
                                                                    современного русского
                                                                    литературного языка при его
                                                                    использовании в качестве
                                                                    государственного языка
                                                                    Российской Федерации".

В поту холодном я проснулся,
С одной лишь мыслью в голове:
Чтоб только в быль не обернулся
Кошмар, который снился мне.

Мне снились ЗАГСы, Мендельсоны,
И брАчащихся звонкий смех.
Сменила жизнь свои законы:
Брачующимися быть – грех!

БижутерИя стала модной.
КатАлогом стал каталОг.
Среди израильцев сегодня
Израильтян найти не смог...

Йогокультурой бредят снобы,
Им книги не досуг читать.
Они в музей приходят, чтобы
Экскурсоводок обымать.

По срЕдам мне клиенты звОнят,
Чтоб дОговоры подписать.
Ох, как бы не пришлось бы скоро
ДокУмент в пОртфеле таскать.

Зайдя в кафе, чтоб выпить сока,
Услышал я такой ответ:
«Здесь место есть для Файф-о-клока.
Для полдника здесь места нет!»

В кофейнях кофе появилось,
На рынках твОрог продают,
«Официант! Скажи на милость,
Когда йогУрт мне подадут?!»
...........................
Я ледяной водой умылся,
Взял пару утренних газет
И обомлел от этой мысли:
Похоже, это всё не бред.........

The Big Bang and Theory of Nothing

2009-06-05T07:06:09Z

(В каждой шутке есть доля шутки :-D)

          The Universe.
          Thousands of Galaxies, millions of Stars, billions of Years… Infinity and Eternity…
          Have you ever thrown back you head and stared at the sky of stars at night? At the sight of this infinite space one can feel how tiny we are. We, human beings, are far from being the Lords of Creation – we’re just lice on the body of the Universe.
          And you know what the most pathetic part is? – Being incapable of investigating the genesis of the mankind, we proudly claim to have unraveled the mystery of the Universe origin!
          Yes, folks, today I’d like to dwell upon Big Bang Theory – the Funniest Bullshit Story ever told.

          What is the Big Bang?

          “The Big Bang is a cosmological model of the initial conditions and subsequent development of the universe. It is supported by the most comprehensive and accurate explanations from current scientific evidence and observation. As used by cosmologists, the term Big Bang generally refers to the idea that the universe has expanded from a primordial hot and dense initial condition at some finite time in the past, and continues to expand to this day.”

          (It is not by accident that I’ve marked out those two words. I won’t go deep into explanation of the Theory, simple questioning of the idea itself will be enough to prove that “comprehensive” and “accurate” stand for “Meaningless Bullshit”! What I can opposite to Big Bang Theory is logic and consistency, but that’s exactly what I need.)

          May I translate the definition of the phenomenon into a comprehensible language?

          In the morning of the Universe there was Nothing. Absolutely Nothing! There was even no vacuum because “vacuum” is a name and you won’t name Nothing because you have nothing to name. And in case you name Anything it means that there is Something that can be named. So there was no vacuum because vacuum is Something, and there was Nothing! Then at some certain time in the past Something appeared. And it wasn’t just that simple Something. It was an infinitely hot and dense Something. Then this Something exploded. Simple enough: Nothing – Something – BANG!!!

          By the way, it took Something a split second, a tiny part of a millisecond to explode. It’s like dynamite: it’s on the ground – it detonates – it explodes. However, we usually do not mention the stage of detonation since it’s extremely short. We just say that dynamite explodes. Thus we can apply the same scenario to the Universe Genesis: we omit “Something” since it embodied the stage of detonation. So if we put the story of the Universe Origin in a nutshell, we will have “Nothing – BANG!!!”

          Well, folks, we’re done with the translation, let’s pass over to the discussion. Actually, I doubt that we may succeed in searching for Sense in Nonsense… But at least, we’ll try.

          Actually, I’ve got only four major questions: When, Where, How and Why???

          1) WHEN?
          When did the explosion happen? To put it differently, how old is the Universe?
          “Based on measurements of the expansion, temperature fluctuations and the correlation function of galaxies, the Universe has a calculated age of 13.73 ± 0.12 billion years”.
          No shit! In other words, the measurement error amounts to 120,000,000 years! Is that what you call comprehensive and accurate?! The Big Bang took place some time in the past ± 120,000,000 years!
          Imagine that we have invented a Time Machine and intend to send a volunteer to the past to observe the Big Bang. Would you go? I wouldn’t. With such a nice calculation I will be most likely to fuck around in Nowhere for another million years waiting for The Great Firework to begin! No, thank you, that's not really my pigeon.
          Moreover, the cosmologists investigate the developments that took place 13 billion years ago by means of current evidence and observations! Jesus Christ!!! Doesn’t it closely resemble… a soothsayer! Yeah, a soothsayer! She also observes her crystal ball in the present and tells you what happened in the past! And in my book soothsayers are not to be trusted.

          2) WHERE?
          Now tell me, if there was Nothing, where was it? Where can be Nothing? Nowhere.
          Here’s a table, it’s in a room, the room is in a building, the building is on a planet, the planet is in a galaxy, the galaxy is in the Universe… And where is the Universe? Everywhere! And if it’s not everywhere, what the fuck is there where there’s no Universe then?!
          Now if the Universe is everywhere, what was everywhere until the Universe appeared? And where is the place the Universe showed up? As we mentioned above, there was Nothing. So where the hell did the Universe come from?
          Note that I’m not searching for precise coordinates, I’m not speaking about a certain place, a certain point in the space. There can’t be any point in the space because the Universe is the space and there was no space until the Universe came into being.
          So WHERE the fuck did it happen?????

          3) HOW?
          That’s my favourite one. I actually don’t care about where and when the Universe appeared. These are the question of minor importance… Just tell me, my dear scientists, HOW did it happen???!!! And while explaining this please stick to your theory!
          First of all, how can Nothing explode? To make an explosion one must have something to explode and if there’s nothing to explode there will be no goddamn explosion at all!!! It’s as plain as a pikestaff!
          Try this: approach a cosmologist, reach out your empty hand and say “Here is Nothing. Could you please do anything with it?” I’m sure he will consider you a mentally ill person. However if you ask him about beginnings of the Universe he will instantly tell you about the Explosion of Nothing.
          Let’s assume that Nothing did not explode. Perhaps, the Something that came out of Nothing was the very substance that actually blew up. But again – how could Something come out of Nothing??? Nohow! Nothing can come out of Nothing! Otherwise I would have produced a million dollars from my empty pockets long time ago!!!
          Moreover, do you remember that Something was infinitely dense? It comprised the whole Universe. At the same time Something was extremely small. Now you’re telling me that this entire staff appeared from Nowhere, compressed into an extremely small size in a split second and then blew up?! Are you fucking nuts?!
          By the way, how could it explode without detonation? That’s impossible! There must be some force that provoked the Big Bang! The same old story – where did this force came from?! From Nowhere?! … From Nowhere… Well, that’s what I usually said to my Mom when I used to come home drunk in the middle of the night. And she used to say that it was a Bullshit Story!
          There was Something and then some force provoked detonation and a great explosion took place; and it’s really stupid to believe that this entire staff came out of Nothing! I have heard of the Immaculate Conception, but I’ve never come across the Immaculate Explosion! So don't crap out on me!

          4) WHY?
          Suppose that Something did appear from Nothing. Why didn’t it burn down before the explosion then?! It was hotter that the combustion temperature of any substance, infinitely hot inside; it must have burned down before the explosion took place! Otherwise it wasn’t as damn hot as they try to tell us!
          Now think of the following: a small petard detonates and destroys itself but is unlikely to do any harm to anyone, a huge atomic bomb can destroy both itself and the whole planet. The scopes of effect are different but the outcome is always the same – an explosion causes destruction. The bigger an explosion is the greater destructions it causes. Why was the Big Bang the only explosion that led to creation? It is contrary to the nature of an explosion! Inconsistent as it is.

          Well, folks, that’s it!
          I didn’t dwell upon the arguments and evidences and explanations that support Big Bang Theory because I consider it a waste of time to pay attention to pros and cons when the theory itself is Nonsense.
          I can’t suggest you any other theory of the Universe Origin instead, I’m not as smart as the cosmologists… Neither am I so stupid to believe in those fairy tales that cosmologists feed me with!

          However what I can come up with is the Theory of Nothing in the Universe.
          I have already touched upon this issue when speaking about Big Bang Theory: Before the Universe appeared there was Nothing. Nothing was everywhere because there was nothing except Nothing. When the Universe came out, Nothing disappeared. Now the Universe is everywhere.
          However Nothing did not disappear completely. You can still find Nothing in the Universe. And it’s much closer than you think. I have found it… in my pocket! Yes, that right, I’ve found it in the left pocket of my trousers! I’ve got a hole there.
          Yes, folks, Nothing is in the hole of my trouser pocket. The hole itself is Nothing actually.

          Let’s explore the conception of a hole more carefully. What is “a hole”? It’s a hollow space in some substance or in the surface of the substance. That’s what dictionaries say.
          I state that “a hole” is lack of substance. I’ll bring an example: say, you’ve drilled a hole in a wall. What have you actually done? You’ve taken some substance out of the wall. It’s no longer there. And lack of this substance makes the hole in the wall i.e. the hole in the wall is a place in a certain part of the wall where there is no wall. Generalizing this idea I state “Lack of something is Nothing”!

          Now, what is a hole in a trouser pocket? Two pieces of trousering sewed in a certain way make up a trouser pocket. A hole in a trouser pocket is a place where there is no trousering. If there is lack of trousering in a certain place of a pocket, we call this place “a hole”.
          On the other hand if everything is ok with trousering but there is a chink between the two pieces, we call theу place of the chink “a hole” as well!
          That’s the Mystery of a trouser pocket! - With the same amount of trousering i.e. with the same amount of substance you can have either a trouser pocket or a trouser pocket with a hole in it!
          Now if you add anything to an object and the object doesn’t change it means that you add Nothing! A hole in a trouser pocket doesn’t change the pocket. Thus a hole in a pocket is Nothing!

          Moreover, what can you do with Nothing? Nothing, obviously… You can not feel Nothing, you can not do anything with Nothing. How does this correlate with my Theory of Nothing in the Universe?
          First of all, you can not feel the hole in a trouser pocket. A lot of people think that they can, though. But the thing is that you can only feel the lack of trousering! You can only feel where the trousering ends and where it begins in your trouser pocket! But you can not feel the hole itself!
          Because a hole is Nothing!
          Then, can you do anything with a hole in a trouser pocket? No, you can’t. You can’t sew up a hole since it is actually the trousering that you can sew! And you can not move a hole. I can put my trousers on a chair; I can move them from the char into a wardrobe. But I can’t take a hole out of my left pocket and put it in my right one! That’s impossible! Because a hole is Nothing!

          Well, folks, in conclusion I’ve got something to add to Big Bang Theory.
          If we agree that somehow in a mysterious way the Universe came out of Nothing, I state that it wasn’t the Big Bang that created the Universe. It was a hole! Yes, folks, there was a hole in Nothing through which the Universe came in!
          One may find a contradiction here: as I’ve said at the beginning of this talk there can be nothing in Nothing. Yes, that’s true. But on the other hand I have just proved that a hole is Nothing!
          Thus being unscientific my Theory is logical and consistent at least!
          Thank you!
©

(3) Премудрости Языка

2009-06-04T05:32:16Z

What are the dictionaries used for? To explain the meaning of a word. That’s true.

And do you know what “explain” means? Oxford Dictionary says that “to explain” means “to tell somebody about something in a way that makes it easy to understand”. OK, I agree with that. But don’t you feel that there is a kind of ambiguity in this word? “Explain”…

          Sometimes a word itself can tell you what it means. All you need is just to pay a bit closer attention to its components, to its parts. From the morphological point of view, I mean. Well, folks, let’s unsheathe our Morphological Sword and see what is there inside the word.

          “Explain”. Obviously, the root is “plain” and it means “simple, easy to understand”. This suits the dictionary entry perfectly – a word with the root “plain” is most likely to mean “making easy to understand”.

          But what about “ex-“??? What is this? What does it mean?
          “Ex” means “former” or “not including something”.
          So, if “plain” means “easy to understand” then “explain” should probably mean “something that is out of easy understanding”, i.e. “difficult to understand”.

          Thus I state that “to explain” means “to tell somebody about something in a way that makes it a complete mess”.

          A rather controversial statement, however it’s confirmed by Oxford Dictionary with its entry on “CONJUGATION”:
          “Conjugation – 1) the way in which a verb conjugates;
                                      2) a group of verbs that conjugate in the same way.”
          Feeling wiser now? I don’t. I actually feel even more confused than before I took the dictionary…
          Since when do we use a word to explain itself? You know, folks, when I read a dictionary entry which explains an unknown word I’m not prepared to come across any of its derivatives in the explanation.

          Even if we put dictionaries aside you will see that this theory is easily confirmed by our everyday life!

          Have you ever found yourself standing on a street and you don’t know how to get to your destination? … Perhaps, you are in another city… And you ask the first comer for the directions… And he starts EXPLAINING… And you understand that you don’t understand! You become even more confused than before you’ve asked for the damned directions. You are completely lost! With no chance to pull through!

          Or imagine your Grandpa sitting at a computer. And he’s like “Damn it! This mp3 song won’t play! What’s wrong with it?!” And a friend of yours, a brilliant mind, says “Well, check the settings of the default player, there may be a clash between the sampling rate and the standard settings. Ignore the bit rate ‘cause several options are possible irrelevant to reproducing devices.” … Stap my vitals!!! Hey, Grandpa, have you put that crap down?! Now it’ll take you a couple of years to do the exploration of the explanation…

          Oh, yeah, some people enjoy giving explanations. I’ve noticed that the more a person enjoys explaining things, the more these things become fucked up after their explanations.

          Here is my piece of advise to you, folks – let’s stop explaining, let’s start making things plain!
©

(5) В Жижу

2009-06-04T05:02:01Z

Кто видел последние рекламные ролики Coca Cola? Вы всё ещё верите, что они перестали добавлять коку в свою газировку?!

В мире очень много женщин, похожих на Анну Семенович. Однако никто из мужчин этого не замечает. Потому, что никто из мужчин не помнит лица Анны Семенович.

Человек подобен футбольному мячу - все время катится вперед, перепрыгивая через ямы и кочки, стремясь к намеченной цели. А жизнь - как вратарь: покрутит, повертит, а потом подбросит – и пинка под зад!

Настроение

2009-06-02T04:55:42Z

Не могу расстаться с грустными мыслями.
Не застали мы жару, что пророчилась.
Не успев начаться – как ни бессмысленно -
Лето кончилось, друзья, лето кончилось.

И с рассвета дождь в окошко мне плачется.
Мне, признаться, самому плакать хочется.
По углам ползет, в тени подло прячется
Одиночество, друзья, одиночество.

Вновь придется от тоски днями маяться,
В ночь глухую с боку на бок ворочаться,
И на чистый лист отчаянно пялиться –
Кризис творчества, друзья, кризис творчества...
©

Advertising Slogans

2009-05-28T19:05:56Z

(Еще один полнометражный монолог. На этот раз на тему "Рекламные Слоганы". Приятного чтения!)

          Hi, everybody. Today I’d like to talk about Slogans.

          It’s a marked trend nowadays – every Company has its own Slogan, every Brand has its own Motto, every Product has its own Catchword. Slogans are usually very short. I explain this as follows: the fewer words are used to express an idea, the stronger each word is, the more dramatic effect it has on people.
          However “shorter” doesn’t always mean “better”. Certainly, brevity is the soul of wit, but understatement may lead to misunderstanding. The line is very easy to go over.

          Actually the line has already been gone over. Just look around – Slogans are everywhere. We’ve got used to them so much that we can no longer see how stupid, strange, odd and sometimes terrifying they are.

          Burger King, for example, has the following Slogan: "It takes two hands to hold a Whooper!"

          Mmm… Obviously, a Whopper is a kind of a “Not-For-Everyone” Burger. ‘Cause if you’ve got only one hand, you won’t be able to have a Whopper… On the other hand (the one you’ve got left), if two one-handed people combine efforts they can have a Whooper at halves! … But in this case they must be able to carry out coordinated actions, otherwise they won’t enjoy it.
          Well, anyway, it’s not so terrible, you know. The worse thing is that for those who are able to grab that damned Whopper, Burger King has another horrifying Slogan: “Have it your way!”
          Oh, God! … Can anyone tell me what they mean by saying that?! … Provided that Burger is Food, the only possible way to have it is you mouth!!! No other options occur to me!!! … Well, I can assume that Burger King was specially designed for those freaks that have two throats, one of them for Burgers only. But then, how do they define that they’re having a Burger the way they really want it?!

          Anyway, Burger King is certainly not an option for normal people, believe me. As well as Fast Food in general. Here’s another Slogan from the fast food industry that bears my words out – now it’s by Pizza Shop: “7 days without Pizza makes one weak!”
          Quite right! People do tell the truth when they do not understand what they’re saying. 7 days without Pizza does make one week. It goes without saying! I can also add that 4 weeks without Pizza makes one month! And 12 months without Pizza makes one year!!
          However, if you have Pizza every day you just won’t make it even to the end of the week!!!

          We’ve refreshed ourselves a bit, let’s wash down. Courage Beer: "It's what your right arm's for."
          First of all, the Brand Name – Courage Beer… I’d like to suggest a different slogan for such a promising name: “Courage Beer: the right drink for shy, timid, bashful and diffident motherfuckers!” Or there’s another one: “Courage Beer – nothing more than Dutch Courage!”
          Now to the Slogan itself – "It's what your right arm's for." Hey, boffers and tossers, have you heard that?! You’ve been using your right arms for other agendas!
          By the way, what about lefthanders?! Apparently, they won’t buy such a beer in the first place because their right arm is actually not the right one for Courage Beer.
          And what if I am ambidextrous??? So, in case I buy a bottle of Courage Beer I may not shift it to my left hand… That’s the limit! I chose Gambrinus!

          You know, folks, what I’ve just thought about? I believe that all these Companies – Burger King, Pizza Shop and Courage Beer – should consolidate. Why? – For at least three reasons:
          1) All three Companies operate in the sphere of Food and Beverages;
          2) The names of all three Companies contain 2 words;
          3) All three Brands stand for absolutely inedible shit.
          Re-branding would be the only difficulty in case of consolidation. You can’t just put all the brands together. “Burger King, Pizza Shop and Courage Beer” is not a good name for an ambitious Company. The name should be short but capacious, creative but comprehensible… Quite an intricate problem… However, folks, where there is a will there is a way. So, here I am saving the day and I’ve got two Names, two Slogans and two Options:
          1) We take the name of each Company (you remember that they all consist of 2 words) and make one word out of two. Say, Burger King – Kingurger, Pizza Shop – Shopizza, Courage Beer – Beerage. Creative enough, isn’t it? However, some people may find such names a bit confusing. Therefore I introduce an explanatory Slogan: “Kingurger, Shopizza and Beerage: Shitty Names – Crappy Goods!”
          2) Alternatively we can take one word from each Brand name and make up a new Brand: Beer&Burger Shop. Slogan: “Beer&Burger Shop - Indigestion Guaranteed!!!”

          Gosh… My stomach starts aching… Let’s switch to something that is not related to food… Computers, for instance! The following Slogan is brought to you by IBM: “We Make IT Happen!”
          That’s a good one, isn’t it? The only drawback is that you can enjoy the Slogan in full only when it’s put down. It is only in writing that the pun becomes obvious. You can expand it as follows: “We make it happen!” – “We make IT happen” – We make Information Technologies happen”. Well, this one is nice, I like it very much. From the linguistic point of view, at least.
          But I’d like to give a piece of practical advice. The term “Information Technologies” sounds a little bit vague, doesn’t it? IBM is a Computer Company which operates in the sphere of Information Technologies and also produces Software and Hardware. I’m convinced that they should mention that in their Slogan and it will acquire sound and logical meaning.
          So I include Software and Hardware in the Slogan and cut it down as follows: We make Software, Hardware and Information Technologies happen” – “We make SHIT happen!”
          Now it’s damn straight! Dimes to doughnuts!!!

          One more example from appliance producers, namely from Nokia: "Connecting People".
          Am I the only person who recalls Vachovsky Brothers when coming across this Slogan? The World of Matrix… Yeah, that’s where the people were well-connected! No shit! ... Still and all if this Company is planning to do the same – fuck it, I’m throwing off my Nokia 3110c!!!
          Or maybe it’s a kind of People Interconnection that they have in mind? … For instance, a sort of a “Brain-to-Brain” Cable Connection to transmit thoughts. Why not?!… If that is what they intend to introduce I’d like to come up with an alternative: an “Ass-to-Ass” Cable. This device will increase the information rate, since a thought will be able to speed up while it goes down the spine. That would be a true innovation in Communication Industry.
          For those Nokia representatives, who will be reading this – in case you are interested, contact me for further details.

          And now from small and tiny cell phones to really huge items – airplanes. Please, welcome National Airlines with their queer Slogan: "I'm Margie. Fly me."
          Well, what the hell is that?! … "I'm Margie. Fly me"…
          Is it a new euphemism for naming sexual intercourses??? And what’s wrong with the existing euphemisms then? Why do they not suit National Airlines anymore???
          "I'm Margie. Fly me"… Well, I’m Evgeny. BLOW ME!!!!!”
          Or maybe (just maybe) National Airlines have got a speaking plane… Holy shit!!! Imagine that: a piece of iron is talking to you while you’re boarding! Surely, I would tremble with horror!
          Besides, I distrust those people (and, by the way, give no credence to those objects) who commence many things at once. An old proverb says “Between two stools you fall to the ground”. And I don’t want to fall to the ground because of an airplane which is too busy speaking to mind its flight.
          So I’d rather play safe and take a silent train.

          Let’s get our heads out of the clouds while we are still in one piece. We are passing on to another famous brand – Nike: “Just do it!”
          DO WHAT?????
          “Just do it!”
          Damn it, another bullshit! … What do they want me to do, for Chrissake?!
          “Just do it!”
          Well, my reply is - Just DONE it!!! And by the way I’ve done it barefooted! So next time you’re on the way, get a fucking move on or else you’re gonna miss the party again!

          Since we’ve touched upon light industry, let’s turn to Levi's Jeans. They’ve got the following Slogan: “Have you ever had a bad time in Levi's?”
          I got to tell you - I have nothing against Levi’s – they do produce high-quality jeans… But you know, folks, what pisses me off? Indisputability! When I come across it, I always question it! And the more unquestionable it is, the stronger my doubts are.
          Well, Guys from Levi’s, why are you being so self-assured?! What makes you think that being in Levi’s is a sufficient condition for having a good time?! Or maybe some Conversion has taken place recently and now Levi’s is producing Charms and Menats that protect us from getting into a mess?!
          Say, a dog snapped at me. Bit on my bum. Straight on the proprietary label of Levi’s that I was wearing at that moment… Do you really believe that I enjoyed myself???
          By the way, yesterday I shitted in my pants! That’s what I call “to have a bad time” … Well, folks, accidents will happen, you know… Guess, what jeans I was wearing???!!!
          And one more thing that I would like to mention: when I’m having a good time I’m out of Levi’s. I’m pantsless, actually! And barefoot as well!!!

          Lunch Break, folks.
          Kentucky Fried Chicken – "Finger-lickin' good."
          Sakes alive! Are Kentucky Fried Chicken made of fingers???!!! Good gracious!!!
          Well, let’s be in earnest about finger-licking. Finger-licking isn’t fine! Finger-licking isn’t healthy. Finger-licking is bad. Finger-licking leads to indigestion. Finger-licking may cause poisoning.
          So what is there so good about finger-licking?
          Well, the only answer that occurs to me: Finger-licking is better than Kentucky Fried Chicken!

          Coca Cola Slogan: "Always Coca Cola!"
          That’s the one I completely do not understand! What does it mean? Does it mean anything at all?
          Is it actually a Slogan or news about consolidation of corporations? … “Always” and “Coca Cola” have decided to consolidate and now the new Company Name that sounds as "Always Coca Cola!"
          If that’s true, what are they going to produce, I wonder? Wet wipes?! Aerated napkins?! Or a Cola that is capable of absorbing itself?!

          News time! CNN News: "Be the first to know!" A very doubtful Slogan.
          What I do not understand: If news, especially live broadcast, is watched by millions of people worldwide, how does CNN determine that I am the first to know?!
          Also, if I see this Slogan and my friend sees it as well, and we come home and turn our TV sets on and switch to CNN Channel at the same time, who will be the first to know, then?! Both have been promised the same thing! You know, folks, it looks like a fraud!
          However on closer examination one may find that this Slogan is a covert Job Offer. Judge for yourself: CNN broadcasts the news. So that the audience can learn the news, a running commentary must be made. This means that a reporter who makes it learns the news earlier that the audience does. In other words, get a job at CNN and be the first to know!
          Again I’m ready with another suggestion. Along with the world-famous News Branch CNN can organize an Extreme Tourism Department.
          CNN should cooperate with a Meteorological Office, which would give them information on possible hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes and floods all around the world. Once CNN determines the areas of the greatest risk, they offer Extreme Tours to these areas.
          I’ve got the Slogan as well: CNN Tours: "Be the first to experience!"
          That is a paying proposition indeed. In case there is a CNN Tourist and CNN Reporter at the same place and time and there’s a natural disaster taking place, this would be a splendid opportunity for CNN to bring you an Exclusive Interview with a Victim of a Rage of Nature right from the scene.

          And the last Slogan. I’m not gonna dwell upon this one, folks. It’s totally useless. The Slogan is all-sufficient, neither more nor less.
          Electrolux – “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux”
          No comments…
©

(4) В Жижу

2009-05-28T09:05:37Z

Не так страшно уснуть лицом в салате, как потом проснуться не в своей тарелке.

В наше время белая зависть бывает лишь у белых ворон.

Даже самое короткое шило в заднице может встать поперек горла.

Взяться за ум гораздо труднее, чем за жопу, поскольку у последней, как правило, есть ручка.

(2) Премудрости Языка

2009-05-28T01:27:35Z

          Beyond question, language is certainly an amazing phenomenon. Not only is language meant for describing events and objects, but it can also help us to measure relative characteristics of objects.
          Think, for instance, of a cake and a pie.
          Can we compare them?
          Certainly. With the help of standard measuring instruments we can compare size, weight, density etc.
          However, it is only by means of language that we can assess another characteristic of these two objects – simplicity.
          What do we usually say when we speak of something that is very easy to do?
          We can use two phrases: “as easy as pie” and “a piece of cake” both meaning “very easy”.
          Now, if
     “very easy” = “as easy as pie”
    and
     “very easy” = “a piece of cake”
      then
     “as easy as pie” = “a piece of cake”.
     And if “a pie” is as easy as “a piece of cake” then “the whole cake” is more difficult that “a pie”.
          Hence a pie is simpler than a cake!
©

(3) В Жижу

2009-05-27T15:56:46Z

Более ста человек получили обморожение II степени на первом всероссийском фестивале моржей "Концы в воду!"

В споре рождается истина. В споре двух философов истина кончает жизнь самоубийством.

(1) Премудрости Языка

2009-05-26T05:33:43Z

To Take Place

“To take place” means “to happen”. We use this expression when we speak of an event or an action that happens at a certain time in the past, the present or the future. For instance, “The original Oktoberfest took place on October 18, 1810”.

But why don’t we say “to take time”?
This would make a lot of sense to me.
The original Oktoberfest took PLACE in Munich, Germany!
That’s obvious!
Oktoberfest couldn’t take PLACE on October 18 because that was when it took TIME, actually!!!
©

А вы замечали?

2009-05-26T05:08:06Z

Иногда детали событий переплетаются довольно причудливым образом, что создает весьма комичный эффект...

          Ресторан. Пятница. Поздний вечер. Банкет.
          Праздник уже давно достиг своего апогея, но веселье не останавливается.
          Гости уже в изрядном подпитии, кто-то уплетает пятую порцию горячего, кто-то курит в холле, кто-то затеял разговоры об уважении, а кое-кто уже шлифует пивом за баром …
          А на танцполе танцуют женщины.
          Несколько самых стойких представительниц слабого пола.
          Уже немножко усталые, пережившие не один бокал вина (а то и водки). Тушь постепенно исчезает с лица, помады уже не осталось, прическа слегка опала, платье чуть съехало набок, глаза все больше теряют осмысленное выражение, язык заплетается. Туфли валяются в углу зала - дамы скачут босиком…
И в голос подпевают: "Полюби меня такой, какая я е-е-е-е-есть!!!!!"
©

At a Dentist's Office

2009-05-25T02:36:33Z

(Мой первый рассказ на английском.
                                               ОСТОРОЖНО! Черный юмор!)

          Hey, folks, today I’m gonna talk about dentists.

           Believe it or not I haven’t been to a dentist and haven’t seen those bloody maniacs for more that 5 years. In this time I’ve had a hell of caries in my mouth. (I know that was my fault and I don’t blame anyone else, but I do have some reasons that prevented me from going to a dentist’s office and I’m gonna talk about them). So when I realized I gotta do something with my teeth I screwed myself up, made an appointment and picked my way towards hospital.

           Hm… Perhaps it wasn’t that very figurative sense I was looking for… I mean, I didn’t screw up; I just plucked up my heart… or my courage… or my spirits… whichever was closer at that moment.
           Actually I got terribly screwed up ON my way to a dentist. And you know why? I told you I hadn’t been there for long, and last time I was there I had really bad experience and I do not believe that things have changed for the better. Why should they?

           I’ve only noticed that they now have an automatic dentist’s chair – it looks like an ordinary chair, but when you sink into it, a dentist pushes a button and the chair changes its shape so that you find yourself in a horizontal position. And this is done for purpose – when you’re reclined you can’t see what they’re gonna stuff into your mouth!
           All the rest remains unchanged – a drilling machine with a full set of different borers, hand excavators and dental explorers, root needles and extracting forceps – all those torture tools are still there! Nothing has changed! And by the way, nor have your teeth! They still have crowns, roots and nerves, they still remain in your mouth, ain’t gonna move to any other cavity! So why on earth should things have changed?

           I don’t quite understand people, who think that nowadays somehow, by any means dentistry have turned into some kind of a resort: you just come in, lean back and have a fuckin’ siesta.
          And these people try to ease themselves “Oh, I’m going to a dentist’s office tomorrow. I haven’t been there for ages but you know… it’s been a long time and things have changed now; medicine has been developing and improving… They have modern equipment … Ohh, anyway I’m still a little bit afraid… I hope they won’t distress me…”
          They will!!! Oh, yes, they will, they’re good at it!!!
          “I’ve even heard that they make you breathe in pure oxygen and it takes your pain away, you feel a kinda high…”
          Hm… Hoping for some pleasant feeling? Not a fuckin’ chance!!! They’re gonna drill your teeth! What do you expect to feel?! An orgasm???!!!
          And if, by any chance you fall asleep (assume one can fall asleep in a dentist’s chair), they will wake you up by pulling out a nerve from you root canal! That’s a dreadful awakening, folks! It’s even worse than having a Justin Timberlake tune on your alarm-clock!

          By the way, have you ever asked yourself why teeth have nerves? Do we really need them? We don’t need nerves for chewing, biting, gnawing or even for gritting our teeth. We can’t make use of nerves because they’re hidden inside teeth, deep under enamel and dentine. So, what did Mother Nature create them for?
          I’ll tell you – nerves were created to bring you toothache! Terrible, dreadful, unbearable toothache!!! That’s all nerves are able to do.
          You can object to that – well, nerves carry out a signal function: when your tooth aches it means that a tooth nerve’s trying to tell you “You’ve got caries; you should go and see a dentist!”
          Bullshit! When I came to a dentist, I had no toothache at all! None of my teeth bothered me! And still my mouth was a complete caries hole! So I tell you, folks, nerves were created for the sake of anguish. That is their only destination, their only possible calling – to make you suffer from horrible pain!
          And of course teeth nerves are there for a dentist to pull them out! Which actually brings you more pain! It looks like Nerves’ “Bye-Bye” Confirming Kill right before they’re extracted.

          Besides have you ever seen that root needle? Boy, it is fuckin’ terrifying, isn’t it?! Thin, but sharp and really long! It’s too long to go in a root canal! And that makes me very nervous, especially when it’s thrust into the canal of my upper jaw tooth.
          Why do they use such long needles for your upper jaw teeth? Do you now why? Do you really want to know? They obtain cerebrum samples!!! That’s what they do! And if the samples are ok, they take another needle, then another one and then one more and more… And that’s how you become a brain-donor for Third World countries!

          Gosh… But let’s recur to my visit to a dentist.
          I came in, lay down on a dentist’s chair (by the way it’s high time for them to have a client’s char instead of a dentist’s one), opened my mouth and the dentist starts her “teeth”-count. “Hey, Mary, put this down: caries, systemic caries, caries, deep caries, filling, contact caries, complicated caries, acute caries, stopping, precervical caries, fissure caries, filling and circular caries, stopping and superficial caries. Oh, boy! And there’s a couple of clinical radices right over there!”
          Then the dentist assistant, Nurse Mary came up and said “It’s so nice you’ve dropped in! By the way you‘d better pay by credit card ‘cause we do not have enough room for that huge amount of cash! …Mmm… You know what, when we’re done with you I think I can afford a small, cosy bungalow on a tiny quiet island somewhere in the Pacific.”
          Actually, I think when they’re through they can afford the whole fuckin’ island! Both of them!

          Incidentally, speaking about nurses. You know, sometimes some of them crack jokes. They try to calm you down and they crack a joke however their sense of humor is influenced to a certain extent by the cynicism of their profession. And so Nurse Mary cracks a crack-headed joke which is like a crack on the head and you instantly want to crack a few of her ribs in response.
          She’s like “Oh, you want an injection? What for? You won’t feel pain anyway!... Still want a shot? Well, I can give you an ampoule and you can hold it while the doctor’s working.” (Quite an equal substitution, don’t you think so, eh?!) “I can even give you a syringe!... Still not satisfied? Ok, here’s my suggestion: we’ll start and when you faint I’ll give you a shot, deal?”
          Fuck, NO! This is no deal! I want my damned shot, and I want it right here and right now!

          So we’ve now come to injections.
          Anesthetic injections were originally created to relieve you from pain. But something’s been fucked up and now you can’t be 100% sure that the shot will have an effect. Have you noticed that sometimes anesthetic injections have an effect on your gum, your cheek, your nose, even on your chin? But you can still feel that damned tooth aching! And when you’re trying to show that it hurts, when you’re groaning or moaning or whatever, the dentist would say “Doest it hurt? Really??! Well, it’s still not a severe pain, isn’t it? Anyway, please, stick out a bit longer, I am already done!”
          Well I don’t wanna stick out! And I don’t wanna have a “Stick-Out-A-Bit-Longer” Shot! I am paying for “Feel-No-Pain” Shot, gimme that!!!

          One more thing I would like to touch upon. I’m sure you all observed Nurse Mary standing near you opposite the doctor and putting a saliva ejector into your mouth. Do you know why Nurse May needs a saliva ejector? Your answer is - to eject saliva. Wrong answer! I’ve got to the bottom of this.
          After you’ve been given an injection, your mouth grows dumb. You just can’t feel it. Then doctor gets down to business and you have to open you mouth and keep it opened. And sometimes, especially when doctor is working on a tooth somewhere at the upper jaw’s end, you have to open your mouth as wide as possible. And while you keep it flung open the dentist would ask you to open it a little bit wider… wider…wider… (remember – you grew dumb, that’s important)… wider… wider, please… And since you can’t feel your mouth, you are not able to set up reasonable limits of opening… And finally your mouth tears!
          That’s when Nurse Mary with her saliva ejector takes the leading part – she starts ejecting your blood! ‘Cause if she doesn’t you’re gonna stain the doctor’s white trim sterile smock with your blood! And that’s not good. A dentist mustn’t wear a smock stained with blood – this can discourage new patients. They will just run away without a backward glance!

          Now I’d like to touch upon atavisms. Basically we have four throwbacks in our moth cavity - they’re called Wisdom Teeth. Well, I’d rather call them pain in the ass that teeth in a mouth! We don’t need them. After a number of centuries human beings became civilized, we learned to cook, food grew softer. These factors changed our jaw structure. Evolution left no space for Wisdom Teeth in our jaws. But they still keep erupting.
          And here is the paradox – those teeth that we don’t actually need at all trouble us most! Caries, disorder of the neighbor teeth, pericoronitis, cyst, jaw tumor… And they also ache while they erupt.
          And dentists keep treating and curing them, keep trying to save them for you. Why not extracting them at once? That’s simple: dentists can pull heaps of money out of Wisdom Teeth before they pull Wisdom Teeth out of your mouth!
          Wisdom Teeth turn out when you are over 17 years old. As a rule, between 17 and 25. Do you know why Wisdom Teeth erupt so late? They say it happens only when a person matures, grows wise and experienced. That’s why they are called Wisdom Teeth, actually.
          Bullshit! I’ll tell you the truth – what we observe here is just a Law of Conservation of Matter. Or a Conservation Law: you lose something – you get something instead. You fail eyesight – your hearing improves, you lose your job – you get a new one. You lose your mind – you’re given Wisdom Teeth! Again, not an equal substitution, folks, but hey, it’s better that nothing! By the way, I myself have all four Wisdom Teeth!
          However, some people don’t have all Wisdom teeth erupted. Just some of them, one or two or three, maybe… If that’s the case with you – watch out! Perhaps, you have not yet completely lost your mind, but you have certainly taken a step towards imbecility!

          Well, it’s time to wind up.
          You know, folks, what have occurred to me recently? I thought of the Middle Ages. Governors set up thousands of Inquisition Departments and thousands of torture cells, where they imprisoned betrayer, spies and all sorts of law breakers, where they tortured them, trying to extort all the secrets from them… What a waste of time and money! They should have just sent those fellows to a dentist! You don’t need torture cells at all, just make an appointment to see a dentist and that’s it! You’ll have all their secrets uncovered in half an hour!

          That’s what I personally think of all this.
          Now you’d better get up from your couch and get your ass to the nearest dentist’s office until you have no teeth left. By the way, I’m gonna come to see my dentist tomorrow, so, wish me luck, folks, and have a nice day!

          P.S. And remember: when you’re at a dentist you a patient. So please be patient!
©

(2) В Жижу

2009-05-25T01:56:26Z

Каждая женщина мечтает встретить мужчину, который был бы готов умереть ради неё. Мой совет: выйдите замуж за телохранителя, а потом наймите его на работу!

Если противозачаточные таблетки и презервативы называются «Контрацептивы», то таблетки от головной боли, вероятно, должны называться «Цептивы»…

You won’t find any abuse in self-abuse provided you possess appropriate skills.

Surely, the one who said “Ladies first” has never read the Bible

Have you ever heard people sneezing? Doesn’t it sound like “Oh, shit!”?!

Boxing Day

2009-05-24T17:33:34Z

- Our office will be closed tomorrow. We’re having a Bank Holiday.
- Oh, really? And what is the Holiday?
- Boxing Day.
- My congratulations! ... Who is in the ring???
©

Женщинам...

2009-05-24T02:47:54Z

На днях, от тяжести одежд устав,
На части развалился шкаф.
Хотела съездить новый присмотреть,
Но обнаружила, что нечего надеть!
©

(1) В Жижу

2009-05-23T08:51:37Z

Уже не помню, если честно, на каком из языков я сформулировал это изначально, посему выкладываю оба варианта:

The less people around you perform mentally, the higher you are valued as a brain worker. However sometimes people can emphasize your intelligence just by showing off their own one.

Чем меньше окружающие тебя люди шевелят мозгами, тем больше твоя ценность как работника умственного труда. Хотя некоторые люди могут подчеркнуть твои умственные способности, просто хвастаясь своими собственными.

И еще одна вдогонку:

Don't take anything to your heart - it's much easier to reach other vital organs from there!

Ничего не принимайте близко к сердцу - оттуда гораздо легче добраться до других жизненно важных органов!

Причуды Времени

2009-05-23T05:46:39Z

О, Время - Тайна без Ответа.
Твоя загадка не нова:
То пролетаешь незаметно,
А то ползешь едва-едва.
          Нет ни секунды на спортзалы,
          Хотя давно уже пора.
          Зато спортивные каналы
          Смотреть мы можем до утра!
Нам недосуг Толстой и Шоу -
Бег времени неумолим.
Но свежим слухам в новом шоу
Часок-другой мы посвятим!
          Чтоб на участке дом покрасить,
          Не можем выкроить и час.
          Зато на даче водку квасить
          Есть время - едем хоть сейчас!
Клиенту новому едва ли
Успею сделать визу я.
Зато стишок про "Трали-Вали"
Могу просочинять полдня!
          Вот так часы сменяют сутки.
          За годом год. А мы спешим,
          На дело не найдя минутки,
          И время променяв на "пшик"...
©

Chewing Gum

2009-05-23T05:35:38Z

Have you ever noticed the utilization instructions they place on a chewing gum packing?
“Take it out of your mouth – Wrap it in paper – Throw it in a trash can”.
Why do they want us to do this particular way? Why not to burn it? Or to bury? Or to drown?
Or to eat? … You can’t eat it, though. I mean, you should not. There’s no use in this – in a while it will come out unchanged, anyway.
I’ve got to the core of that utilization: they want their gum back!
Why?
I called it “The Rule of Three RE” - They re-shape it, re-pack it and re-sell it!
©

Эпиграф

2009-05-23T05:03:21Z

Что будет в моем журнале?
Стишата, мыслишки, небольшие (или большие) сочинялки на тему... да, собственно, на тему всего. Всего того в окружающем мире, что заставляет меня задуматься, независимо от направления мыслей :D

К стати сказать, работа моя связана с английским языком, а по образованию я - учитель английского, так что будут записи и на английском языке. Отдельное спасибо хочется сказать to George Carlin - собственно, он и вызвал во мне желание попробовать чиркнуть пару строк на иностранном.

В общем, мыслишки буду писать под общим заголовком "В Жижу" (В Живой Журнал), остальное - в зависимости от размеров бедствия.

Кроме того, сам язык (будь то русский или английский) - довольно плодотворная тема для размышлений. Мои небольшие (и не всегда серьезные) "исследования" на эту тему вы сможете найти под заголовком "Премудрости Языка".

Intro

2009-05-22T06:34:31Z

Долго думал, как начать.... кучу разных вариантов перебрал...
А потом понял - а, собственно говоря, зачем? Какая разница, начну ли я со слов "Привет", "Здрассьте!" или "День добрый"? Ну начал и начал, что с того?!

Зачем? - вот вопрос...
Поделиться.
Прежде всего, своими мыслями и думами.
Не всегда мысли по существу, но, собственно, в этом и вся прелесть - кто-нибудь когда-нибудь думал о том, что "Если бы каждый мог убить двух зайцев одним выстрелом, то зайцев давно бы занесли в Красную Книгу"?
Или, к примеру, как вы думаете, что стало с человеком, который сказал: "Мой принцип - Никаких Принципов!!!" Мне кажется, он застрелился из-за внутренних противоречий...
Вот о таких вещах я размышляю на досуге.
Может быть, и вам они тоже покажутся забавными.
Может быть, кто-то от души посмеется, а кто-то крепко задумается.
Если мои мыслишки не оставят кого-нибудь равнодушным, я останусь доволен )